First off, I am feeling much better today, thank you.
Now it's time to gather 'round while Uncle Matt tells you all another tale of the whiniest group of human beings on earth.
Come, come. Gather 'round, gather 'round. Move in closer, so you can all hear. No, not that close. Jimmy, get your finger out of your ear, that's disgusting! No, you cannot sit in my lap! OK, everybody back up... back up again...
Now then...
Once upon a time in an office building which shall not be named to protect my employment, we had a group of people who liked to make mountains out of molehills. The irony that I am a notorious complainer is not lost on me, but most of my complaints are meant to be humorous and entertaining for people to read or listen to. This group of people, on the other hand, complain as if their very lives depended on it. If they do not meet their complaint quota for the day, they will wither and die like... some sort of organic plant, I don't know. I'm not a botanist, leave me alone.
Anyhoo...
Yesterday we discovered that another group of employees would be taking up residence in our department. As the managers scrambled to make room for their new desks, they ran down the list of expendable fixtures in the department that would help open up and conserve space. Extraneous filing cabinets, boxes of forms that could be stored elsewhere... and a coat rack.
A coat rack that, apparently, will prevent this sect of complainers from being able to do their jobs if removed. The Coat Rack of Motivation!
As soon as they heard that the coat rack was going to be removed and replaced by a set of wall hooks, they began forming a mob. Pitchforks, torches, and angry rhymes to be shouted were procured. These wall hooks surely would not hold their coats made of solid lead! These were not ordinary coats that could be hung on simple hooks! They deserved the elegance of a coat hanger, hung neatly on a rack behind them.
"Nay!" said one furious employee, "I will not hang my coat on a hook!" (Part of that quote may have been exaggerated for the purposes of making this employee sound like a medieval citizen.) Instead, she voiced her displeasure for six full minutes, describing in every possible way that her coat would not be relegated to a hook on the wall behind them, where the coat rack once stood. If she had to, she would place it over the back of her chair to send a message to all that they may take our coat rack, but they will never take OUR FREEDOM! (Also, part of that sentence may have been adapted from Braveheart.)
I would like to reiterate that these vile, evil hooks would be in the same room as the group of freedom fighters. They will not be forced to leave them in another department or place them in a coat check room where others may sift through the meager contents of their pockets, no doubt filled with ATM receipts, pennies, and an old, decrepit, inedible roll of Certs. However, perhaps it is the principle of the matter. After all, wouldn't you guard such treasure closely and with fervor?
After six minutes of complaining (which is an amazing feat, by the way - how can you possibly find a way to complain about the absence of a coat rack for six Earth minutes?), they settled down, but the fury burned within them. You could see it in their eyes, hot and white like a star burning in the dark night sky. They would have their revenge on the wretch who committed this unconscionable act of villainy!
Clearly the removal of this coat rack is the worst atrocity committed upon human beings since the Tianamen Square massacre. In fact... wait... YES! If you look closely, you can see that is what the protests were about all along!
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