Author's Note: "Their" is spelled wrong in the subject line on purpose. Do not try to correct my spelling. I am not a moron, unlike the people you are going to read about, and I know the difference between "there" and "their", "your" and "you're", and all three forms of "to", "too", and "two".
Today is a grave day for my department. Our internet access has been officially restricted to job-related sites only - and even some of those are broken as a result. That's where the epic, EPIC fail begins - with our IT people who didn't realize that just allowing access to the index page of a site is not the same thing as allowing access to the entire site - but it gets much, much better.
You see, I work with morons. Loads and loads of morons. I have often wondered if our hiring policy was to simply look at an applicant's IQ and if it was below 80, they were an instant hire. In fact, we actually give a little common-sense-in-business quiz during our hiring process, and I am pretty certain that at least 50% of the people in my department either didn't pass it, or somehow managed to get the answers ahead of time because they definitely do not display the same common sense while working that allowed them to pass the idiot test.
Of course there are always the handful of exceptions (myself included - duh) who are capable of doing more than pushing buttons like a monkey mashing a keyboard. We're the ones who actually do the work while the rest of the retards get to goof off all day long.
Now that their main avenue for wasting time at work, surfing the internet, has been closed to them the bitching has begun - and it is EPIC.
The following quotes are 100% true and accurate. For your own safety, I must warn you that reading these quotes may cause your own intelligence quotient to drop sharply and dramatically, but it is a necessary evil in order for you to understand the sea of morons in which I tread water every day from 8:30 am to 5:30 pm.
"How am I supposed to work?"
You mean now that you can't surf the internet and not work in the first place? See, this statement implies that you actually worked when we had access to the entire internet, as opposed to spending 8 hours surfing it.
"What if you try getting
to the site through Google? Can you get to it
then?"
Google is not a magical portal. It does not circumvent the list of trusted and allowed sites because when you click a link through Google, you are then leaving that site and going to another, restricted URL. It doesn't matter whether you type in www.ipostr.com </shameless plug for a funny site> or you search for "ipostr" via Google then try to click through, you are still going to iPostr's domain.
"It's time for me to go to a job fair or something."
Really? This is it?! This is the straw that broke the camel's back? Having your internet access restricted is the most grievous crime committed upon you by our company, so much so that you're willing to leave your current, steady, secure job and take your chances in our disastrous job market? What do you plan on doing if you get a new job; surfing the internet? I'm sure that would be a fine way to make a good impression on your new boss(es).
And my personal favorite...
"[Manager] brought a modem from home so she can surf the internet. I have Comcast at home, and that's the same little black box as my modem."
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the internet is not contained within the confines of a modem. Your internet service does not follow your modem around. You may have Comcast at home, but if you disconnect that modem and bring it to work, your Comcast service does not come with it. Do you know why? Because the modem is fucking irrelevant; it's the CABLE that connects to the modem that allows you to access the internet. So, either this manager has a magic modem that allows her to access her home internet service from anywhere in the world, her service provider has also hooked up a line in our building, or you're completely and totally fucking retarded and don't understand how the internet actually works.
Even if she did bring a modem from home, which she did not because that little black box has been there for months and is not a modem, as soon as she hooked it up to our ethernet cables she would be subject to the same restrictions the rest of us are because she's still connecting to our network. The modem itself would not override the network restrictions.
Congratulations, you fail at technology.
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