What you are about to read may be the most shocking cover-up in history. I'm in the process of alerting the media, and when the news breaks the ramifications of it will be felt the world over. This conspiracy makes the corporate fraud committed by financial institutions look like child's play by comparison. I hope to hell you're sitting down and not prone to fainting, because this is earth-shattering news, and only D-Rex and her crack team of investigators could have uncovered such a dastardly plot!
There are cheaper benefits providers than the one my company uses!
Our yearly benefit (re-)enrollment packages were sent out yesterday evening, and the firestorm began this morning. Every year we go through the same cycle: People want better benefits, but if the prices go up, they want cheaper benefits. Nobody seems to possess the simple, practical logic that the two things don't go hand-in-hand. If you want coverage from a leading provider, it's going to cost you. Healthcare is not cheap.
But today it was uncovered that there are cheaper providers than the Blue Care Network and now they're ready to bring down the company for trying to hide this information from the employees! I didn't even know there were other providers, let alone cheaper ones! Did you guys know about this? How long has this cover-up been going on? If we aren't happy with the plans offered, we could simply opt out of them and choose to find our own coverage, but our company never told us this! They tried to hide it with a more expensive plan from one of the nation's leading providers! After all, one healthcare provider is just as good as another, right? There can't possibly be any other reason for a cost discrepency other than a giant conspiracy. Those bastards!
The suggestion - and I swear to God this is a real thing that came out of someone's mouth - was to let the employees look over the various plans from all the different providers when the time comes. In other words, instead of letting the HR people who spend countless hours researching these things do their jobs, they want to leave it up to a committee of imbeciles who don't even read the summarized information HR sends out in the first place.
Yeah, that wouldn't be a giant clusterfuck. I'm sure several hundred employees across numerous sites throughout the United States, each with different needs, would come to a quick agreement upon thoroughly reviewing a wealth of information. I can't imagine anyone skipping to the cost breakdown and simply choosing the cheapest one without regard to what it actually covers. That would be idiotic, and I think it's clear we don't hire idiots. By the way, did I ever tell you about the employee who thought Michigan was an island because it's surrounded on three sides by water?
Of course, the suggestion was for "all employees to look over the plans," but really, it's about one employee - D-Rex. D-Rex thinks our benefit plans are chosen specifically to spite her. This morning she announced that it would cost her an extra $1,000 just to continue working here due to the increase in costs. How dare HR not take into account how these benefits might affect her and only her?! You heartless bastards!
This is just another in a long line of atrocities committed by our company upon its employees. Thank goodness we have D-Rex - someone who is brave enough to get to the bottom of this conspiracy and stand up to tyranny! I don't know how deep this goes or how it will change the healthcare industry, not to mention our company, but I'm sure it's going to be big news. The lid has been blown off, and if your company offers you benefits it's a good bet there are other options for you too! Revolt, brothers and sisters! Rise against your oppressors and tell them you don't need their healthcare! You'll find your own through hours of research and effort.
Or, you know, you'll inevitably sign the Goddamn enrollment form and repeat the cycle of complaining next year.
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