The nerve of my employer to expect me to work when he takes days off for no apparent reason.
Our office manager’s wife recently gave birth to their second baby, so he took few days off. Note I said “second baby.” As in “not as lovable or special as the first.” (Sorry, second-borns; you’re also second fiddle. I should know.) Nice using your baby as an excuse to take a vacation, man. Like you need to spend time with the kid or something. That’s what your wife is for! Get your ass back in the office and manage! Don’t you know this place falls apart without someone to tell everyone else what to do? We aren’t autonomous! We’re just like a newborn baby in that regard. We need constant supervision, we cry when we don't get our way, and I’m pretty sure a few employees shit themselves from time to time.
I’ve always hated it when people brought their newborns into work to show them off. What do you want, a medal? When you think about it, it’s kinda like bragging that you had sex. “Look what I did!” People always crowd around the baby and ooh and aah. I say, “Bah!” It’s a baby, not a unicorn. Loads of teenagers give birth to them every single day. I’ve seen one before. And this is a restricted area. You’d better get that kid an ID badge and put him to work, or else I’m having security escort it out! You can’t fool me! I know you’re just trying to smuggle a box of paperclips and some notepads out in that carrier!
What kind of horrible parent are you to allow your baby around this crowd in the first place? My office is populated by people who could snap at any moment. There are several employees all capable of shooting up the place. There’s even a secret office pool for who’s going to do it first. You really want to expose your newborn to these people? The last time our boss' wife had a baby, one of his subordinates printed out pictures of it and posted them on her desk. I’m not kidding at all. She printed pictures of someone else’s baby, not related to her in any way, and posted them amongst the pictures of her own family. I really want to impress upon you just how creepy that is. That is Hand That Rocks The Cradle creepy, right there. If you’re foolish enough to bring your newborn in here, don’t take your eyes off it for one second unless you want to find a watermelon with a crudely-drawn face on it sitting where the baby had been a moment before and Rebecca DeMornay speeding away in her rickety van.
I really don’t see why people need to take days off like it’s some big deal. They act like their babies are so much more important than the things I’d rather be doing instead of working – watching movies, playing video games, drinking, watching the cute girl across the street through binoculars… I just bought two cats, but you didn’t see me taking time off! They’re starving, too! Every day they follow me around, practically begging for food, and every day I just dump the garbage can onto the floor and shout, “HAVE AT IT!”
Think about it from the kid's perspective, too. You've got a bunch of strange faces crowding around you, all googly-eyed, breathing their germs on you. Babies only know oohs and aahs too, so how do we know that it isn't misinterpretting your adoration for, "Ooh, man, I'm starving and this baby looks mighty tasty!" That baby is probably terrified of you. You should be ashamed of yourself.
My office needs to institute a new policy: anything you bring into a restricted area becomes the property of our Indian Overlords. That includes babies. That'll teach those arrogant parents who just want to show their babies off. To those parents who take time off, it's called 'Bring Your Child To Work Day,' not 'Stay Home Like A Lazy, Unemployed Bum Day,' and it shouldn't be a fun parent-offspring experience; it should be a horrifying introduction to a lifetime of working just to pay bills. It's time these freeloading babies start earning their keep.
By the way, I’m a little short on cash, so if anybody is looking for an inexpensive sitter, hit me up.
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