Articulated Vulgarities

Chris Brown is a Piece of Shit

As the title of this post suggests, R&B singer Chris Brown is, in fact, a piece of shit.  A woman-beating, gay-bashing, chair-throwing, cellphone-stealing, arrogant piece of shit.  He even resembles South Park's Mr. Hanky, quite frankly.

It's a shame that an "artist" like him is not only successful, but that he has legions of fans willing to defend his bad behavior.  Ironically, many of those fans are women, and I'm sure Chris would like to punch each one of them personally if he could.  Not only that, but he won Grammys.  Forgetting for a moment that a Grammy is the music-world equivalent of a World's Greatest Dad coffee mug, how does one get rewarded for making derivative, juvenile, garbage music that is virtually indistinguishable from most other modern R&B singers, and absolutely pales in comparison to the greats of the genre?  Not to mention for being a guy who once punched a fellow nominee, and a female at that, in the face.

A lot of Twitter users take Chris to task, most notably one of my favorites, TV producer and writer Jenny Johnson.  Jenny isn't a professional comedian, but she's undoubtedly one of the funniest (and most intentionally offensive) people on Twitter, and she frequently bashes Brown, receiving many hate-tweets from butthurt fans in the process. 

Taking a cue from Jenny, I also began retweeting many of Brown's messages, often altering them to mock his past exploits, or responding with a sarcastic dig.  Up until today, they've gone unnoticed.  What follows is a transcript of my proudest moment as a Twitter user: an argument with one of Chris Brown's deluded fans.

It all began innocently enough, with a tweet that read: "@chrisbrown's constant erasing of his tweets is like destroying evidence of his lady-punching, chair-throwing, homophobic behavior." 

Apparently, Chris Brown fans have nothing better to do all day than read his mentions, because I soon received this response from CbreezysLuvr: "@cynicalmatt @chrisbrown ya know what ppl like u is y he deletes. No1 will let him move on. Leave him alone!!!! You're ruining it 4 his fans"

For those who don't know, Chris Brown calls his fans Team Breezy.  I'm not sure why, but it explains why this poor girl thinks she's Chris Brown's lover.  Which is odd, because judging by his hair, I'd swear he's gayer than all of the Village People combined.  Little did I know that I'd apparently hooked the Chris Crocker of Chris Brown fans who would start shouting "LEAVE BREEZY ALONE!" and sobbing uncontrollably.  Being the world class troll I am, I decided to run with it.  After all, you cannot reel in a fish if you cut the line when you feel the first tug. 

From here, I'll just let the transcript flow:

cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr @chrisbrown You realize that's incentive to continue, right? Way to stand up for a guy who punches women & calls them bitches."
CbreezysLuvr: "@cynicalmatt @chrisbrown everyone makes mistakes. U never never did/said something outta anger u wish u hadn't??"
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr @chrisbrown Have I ever PUNCHED A WOMAN? No, I can honestly say I haven't because I'm not a complete piece of shit."
CbreezysLuvr: "@cynicalmatt @cbreezysluvr @chrisbrown no1 knows what rly went down & rih has 4given him! It's unfair ppl won't let him move on from it"
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr @chrisbrown So you're suggesting that he might have been justified in hitting her because we don't know what really happened?"
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr @chrisbrown You're right, it's SO unfair that he didn't go to prison for domestic abuse like a non-celebrity would. Poor him."
CbreezysLuvr: "@cynicalmatt @chrisbrown his career suffered & ppl crucify him all the time. He HAS been punished"
CbreezysLuvr: "@cynicalmatt @chrisbrown no I don't justify any1 hitting any1 BUT she may have hit him 1st. Not saying it was right just sayin FORGIVE"
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr @chrisbrown Yeah, that's why he continues to sell millions and brags like an arrogant prick on Twitter about winning a Grammy."
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr @chrisbrown Who suffered worse? Chris or Rihanna after he beat her?"
CbreezysLuvr: "@cynicalmatt @chrisbrown he wasn't bragging he was just proud. As are all of his fans!!!! Well deserved hes very talented"
CbreezysLuvr: "@cynicalmatt @chrisbrown they both suffered who knows who suffered more? No1 but them"

Now, at this point I'd just like to point out she's equating a little speedbump in record sales and bad press to being physically assaulted. I'm gonna go with the woman whose face was bruised by a worthless, talentless, overhyped, and egotistical thug as the person who suffered more.

I'd also like to point out that it should have become painfully obvious to anyone with half a brain that I'm trolling, and SUCCESSFUL TROLL IS SUCCESSFUL. You are trying to win an argument about a completely subjective matter, such as music, with a man whose screenname is "cynicalmatt." Good luck with that.

cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr @chrisbrown No real man would ever hit a woman, regardless of whether she hit him or not."
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr @chrisbrown So saying winning was the ultimate "fuck you" isn't bragging?! Of course, he deleted that too..."
CbreezysLuvr: "@cynicalmatt @chrisbrown 'throws up hands' ppl need to learn to forgive. Rihanna did."

Editor's Note: That makes Rihanna an idiot too.

CbreezysLuvr: "@cynicalmatt @chrisbrown he prob said that n a moment of saying he's succeeding against all odds but then realized how it sounded."
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr @chrisbrown No, Prince is very talented. Stevie Wonder, Jimi Hendrix, David Bowie, and George Clinton are very talented."
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr @chrisbrown I'm flattered my opinion means so much to you."
CbreezysLuvr: "@cynicalmatt no just tired of every1 sayin mean shit & causin him to delete stuff & ruin it for his fans. And he is talented he's today's MJ"
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr You could just IGNORE it and stop responding. Also, Prince > Michael Jackson > @chrisbrown"
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr If he deletes stuff, that's his own fault for having such a thin skin. Consequences of poor celebrity behavior. @chrisbrown"
CbreezysLuvr: "@cynicalmatt this is my last word on it, he is human & mean stuff ppl say bothers him just like any1 else."
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr Then MAYBE he should behave better and give people less reason to attack him. @chrisbrown"

Sadly, this was NOT, in fact, the last word...

CbreezysLuvr: "@cynicalmatt oh 1 more thing @chrisbrown is better then prince ever thought about being :)"
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr @chrisbrown *than."
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr I don't need your validation because I recognize the obvious stupidity of calling a throwaway singer better than a legend."
CbreezysLuvr: "@cynicalmatt Ohhh name calling! You're no better then the person u say Chris is :) point proven! Bye now hater"
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr I didn't call anyone a name. I said the statement was obviously stupid. LRN2READ NOOB."
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr @chrisbrown Yeah, you're right. Name-calling is TOTALLY just as bad as hitting a woman."
CbreezysLuvr: "@cynicalmatt you're just jealous of him lol"
CbreezysLuvr: "@cynicalmatt I can read fine dumbass. Quit talking shit about someone everyone loves."
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr Or else what? Will @chrisbrown punch me? Uh-oh, name-calling! You must be just as bad as @chrisbrown!"
CbreezysLuvr: "@cynicalmatt lol I sure wish he would punch u...but nah bc u wouldn't dare talk shit to his face now would ya??"
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr @chrisbrown Sure I would. He'd make me a VERY rich man because of his juvenile temper. My my, so violent you are. Tsk tsk."
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezyLuvr @chrisbrown You'll also notice I've copied him on all of these tweets. The thing is HE DOESN'T CARE, while you're obsessed."
CbreezysLuvr: "@cynicalmatt yes and I have UNtagged him bc he doesn't need 2b bothered w/bs. And yeah I'm obsessed & proud of it!!"
cynicalmatt: "@CbreezysLuvr @chrisbrown That means he's only seeing my insults, not your praise.  At least he's smart enough to ignore obvious trolling."

So, to recap:

1. We don't know what happened between Chris Brown and Rihanna, and her wild speculation that Rihanna may have hit him first totally justifies him punching her in return.
2. Chris Brown deletes his own tweets because he's a hyper-sensitive, fragile porcelain doll and mean things hurt his little feelings.
3. Chris Brown is the Michael Jackson of today, which means that amongst all his other issues, he is apparently a child molester.
4. This girl has NO CLUE what trolling is, even when it's blatantly obvious.  Welcome to the internet.  Enjoy your stay.
5. Name-calling is just as bad as punching women... unless the Chris Brown fan does it.  Then it's OK.
6. Chris Brown is a piece of shit.
7. You can't mess with the master.
8. Successful Troll is successful.

What Brown and his fans fail to realize is there should be consequences for his actions.  If you want to escape the label of being a punk and a woman-beater, perhaps you should shape up your act a little.  When it was brought up during a TV appearance on Good Morning America last year, Brown became so irate that he ended up throwing a chair at a window backstage.  More recently, he snatched a cellphone from a woman's hands as she was trying to take a picture of him entering his limo and drove off with it, but not before telling her, "Bitch, you ain't puttin' that on the internet."  Class act there, Team Breezy!  He's clearly a truly reformed gentleman now and we should all forgive him! 

You know, I hope CbreezysLuvr gets to meet her idol one day.  And then I sincerely hope he punches her right square in the face.  Because Chris Brown is a piece of shit.

But wait!  There's more!

Babies Are Useless

The nerve of my employer to expect me to work when he takes days off for no apparent reason.

Our office manager’s wife recently gave birth to their second baby, so he took few days off.  Note I said “second baby.”  As in “not as lovable or special as the first.”  (Sorry, second-borns; you’re also second fiddle.  I should know.)  Nice using your baby as an excuse to take a vacation, man.  Like you need to spend time with the kid or something.  That’s what your wife is for!  Get your ass back in the office and manage!  Don’t you know this place falls apart without someone to tell everyone else what to do?  We aren’t autonomous!  We’re just like a newborn baby in that regard.  We need constant supervision, we cry when we don't get our way, and I’m pretty sure a few employees shit themselves from time to time.

I’ve always hated it when people brought their newborns into work to show them off.  What do you want, a medal?  When you think about it, it’s kinda like bragging that you had sex.  “Look what I did!”  People always crowd around the baby and ooh and aah.  I say, “Bah!”  It’s a baby, not a unicorn.  Loads of teenagers give birth to them every single day.  I’ve seen one before.  And this is a restricted area.  You’d better get that kid an ID badge and put him to work, or else I’m having security escort it out!  You can’t fool me!  I know you’re just trying to smuggle a box of paperclips and some notepads out in that carrier! 

What kind of horrible parent are you to allow your baby around this crowd in the first place?  My office is populated by people who could snap at any moment.  There are several employees all capable of shooting up the place.  There’s even a secret office pool for who’s going to do it first.  You really want to expose your newborn to these people?  The last time our boss' wife had a baby, one of his subordinates printed out pictures of it and posted them on her desk.  I’m not kidding at all.  She printed pictures of someone else’s baby, not related to her in any way, and posted them amongst the pictures of her own family.  I really want to impress upon you just how creepy that is.  That is Hand That Rocks The Cradle creepy, right there.  If you’re foolish enough to bring your newborn in here, don’t take your eyes off it for one second unless you want to find a watermelon with a crudely-drawn face on it sitting where the baby had been a moment before and Rebecca DeMornay speeding away in her rickety van.

I really don’t see why people need to take days off like it’s some big deal.  They act like their babies are so much more important than the things I’d rather be doing instead of working – watching movies, playing video games, drinking, watching the cute girl across the street through binoculars… I just bought two cats, but you didn’t see me taking time off!  They’re starving, too!  Every day they follow me around, practically begging for food, and every day I just dump the garbage can onto the floor and shout, “HAVE AT IT!”

Think about it from the kid's perspective, too.  You've got a bunch of strange faces crowding around you, all googly-eyed, breathing their germs on you.  Babies only know oohs and aahs too, so how do we know that it isn't misinterpretting your adoration for, "Ooh, man, I'm starving and this baby looks mighty tasty!"  That baby is probably terrified of you.  You should be ashamed of yourself.

My office needs to institute a new policy: anything you bring into a restricted area becomes the property of our Indian Overlords.  That includes babies.  That'll teach those arrogant parents who just want to show their babies off.  To those parents who take time off, it's called 'Bring Your Child To Work Day,' not 'Stay Home Like A Lazy, Unemployed Bum Day,' and it shouldn't be a fun parent-offspring experience; it should be a horrifying introduction to a lifetime of working just to pay bills.  It's time these freeloading babies start earning their keep.

By the way, I’m a little short on cash, so if anybody is looking for an inexpensive sitter, hit me up.