Articulated Vulgarities

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Admit it: you clicked that link out of sheer, morbid curiosity, didn't you?  You are a victim of Rule 34: If it exists, there is porn of it.  I'm sure somewhere on the internet, there is an animated gif of the Blogger logo having sex with the WordPress logo, but that's not what you're going to see here.  This is a blog post about blogging.  I know, how very meta, right? 

I've been blogging for many years.  I suppose that's technically a bit misleading.  I've had blogs for many years.  How often I use them is another matter.  I'm from the old school days when LiveJournal was by invitation only.  Does anyone remember LiveJournal?  It was sort of the MySpace of blogging - the place where angsty kids went to moan about how their parents didn't understand them and how emo bands like My Broken Heart Bleeds Endlessly For You, Well of Pain, Dark Sorrow Mascara, and Castrated Emotions speak to them on a profoundly deep level.  I think those are all emo bands.  Then TypePad and WordPress and Blogger and a million other sites sprung up, and people started socially networking, and the long, drawn out, self-pitying blog posts became a constant, never-ending, mind-numbing stream of self-pitying status updates instead.  Viva progress!

Anyhow, the point is, blogging and I go way back.  I was blogging before it was cool.  I was part of a semi-exclusive club (that included the camgirl who gave me my invite).  Sometimes I'd write something moderately funny, but most times I was recounting the completely mundane.  There are only so many ways you can say you played video games all day, however, so eventually I dropped out of the game.  Besides, blogging had become too mainstream.  Hipster Matt is hipster.

When I met my friend Ashley, it was through her blog, which I had creepily stalked for several months before I made my first comment.  I recognized her from work, and her blog was the equivalent of me hiding in the bushes outside of her house, peering in at her family.  I soon realized we had many things in common (Maxinquaye FTW)and we became friends.  I also realized she was a much better writer than I was.  She could make the most mundane things hilarious and entertaining.  On the upside, I realized how much I missed blogging, so I returned - this time to this here TypePad blog - with a renewed focus.

Instead of a window into my boring life, I decided to try writing for an audience.  An audience I didn't have.  I'm under no delusions: Nobody is reading this.  You're off reading your Facebooks, and your Twitters, and watching the Tubes meant just for You, and checking out free porn.  No trip to the internet is complete with a visit to a porn site.  Er...so I've been told.  I would never look at that abominable stuff.  I am a fine, upstanding citizen. 

But in case you are actually reading this (and let's be honest, since I mentioned porn, you're thinking about it now even if you weren't before), I hope you are entertained.  Not sincerely, but I mean, I hope you at least recognize the humor.  Much like Facebook and Twitter, I find that recapping a day's events doesn't make for the most exciting content.  Who I am is not important, but what I have to say, well... That's not very important either.  But it might be funny if you have a twisted, warped, wholly inappropriate sense of humor!  If you like snarky, sarcastic, sharp wit, then I'm sure there are plenty of other blogs you could visit.  Hell, you could probably find something a lot funnier on YouTube.  Why are you here?  Who the hell are you people?!  Quit stalking me!

My blog (and likewise, my Twitter) is a vehicle for my rather strange, often offensive sense of humor - and I'm the driver.  My dirty little confession is that I have another blog - a secret blog hardly anybody knows about.  I felt like I wanted something new, as one does when they've been in a committed relationship for so long.  TypePad and I had our fun, but I felt like she had just become a gold-digger, asking for $8.95 a month for the privelege of using her.  Man, I could get all the words I needed for free over at WordPress!  My only competition for blogs is other blogs, so why not spread the love around and eventually start ignoring that one too?  One day, I will have an unused blog on every available service.  Because you gotta have goals.

The truth of the matter is that, for a while, I felt like I could not be myself on this blog.  Too many people knew about it, and I couldn't say what I wanted to say for fear of unintentionally offending someone.  Then I thought: fuck it.  Indeed, most of this blog post is an amalgamation of several posts from that other blog - as was my recent Facebook post, and my post about people who bring babies into the office, among others (because I am lazy and copy-pasting is easy).  The TypePad versions are actually longer and even more abrasive, so you're kind of getting the director's cut of those posts. 

As predicted, I stopped using that blog because I felt more uncomfortable censoring myself than I did just posting whatever I wanted here.  I pay for this blog, and I shouldn't feel obligated to write anything other than what I feel like. 

This is my blog, and very little of it is serious.  Rare exceptions aside, it's not a window into my life.  It's more like a crazed shut-in shouting obscenities at passersby through the mail slot of his front door.  If you take offense to anything on here, that's your problem, not mine.  Rest assured, I am not referring specifically to anyone.  If a post does offend you, don't bother telling me about it.  I can promise you I won't care.  If you want to pay the $9 a month for my TypePad subscription, then you can control the content.  Until that day, I'm going back to posting whatever I feel like without worrying about how it may be received. 

Being Thrifty Can Be Fun!

Last night The Girlfriend and I decided to hit up several thrift stores in search of used books.  Being the huge nerd that I am, I have been building up my collection of DragonLance and other fantasy novels for a while now.  Used book stores are often a goldmine for this sort of thing, but I never considered thrift stores.  Something about the term "thrift store" conjures up images of a filthy, dirty, dusty place where everything is dissheveled and in no kind of discernable order.  I assumed that anything sold there would be old and raggedy, not in usable condition, because if things were in good shape they would be sold for more.  How wrong I was. 

While perusing the shelves at Value World, I spotted that familiar logo that I'd come to instantly recognize since I was a pre-teen.  There, right in front of my eyes, sat a nearly perfect copy of DragonLance Chronicles Volume 1: Dragons of Autumn Twilight.  Not just any copy, but the original 1985 first printing in original paperback. I couldn't believe my luck, and I could barely contain my excitement.  Then I saw the familiar blue spine of the follow up, Dragons of Winter Night, and the green spine of the finale, Dragons of Spring Dawning.  Could it be?  Were all three original first editions here, in this thrift store, and in astoundingly good condition?  To top it off, I found three other books still lacking in my collection, so I snatched those up as well.

There were no prices marked on any of them, so I assumed they might be the original cover price.  Imagine my surprise when we got to the register and the cashier announced, "$1.33."  WHAT?!  I made an audible grunt of shock.  I felt like jumping up and doing the Snoopy Dance right then and there.  I never thought I'd find good copies of the Chronicles novels, which I wanted as collector's items.  After all, they're 25 years old, and paperbacks don't keep well.  I own the hardcover reissues, but the original paperbacks have superior cover art and hold a special place in my heart, being the books I discovered in the school library as a young boy.

We went to a Salvation Army store afterward, but all they had was another copy of Chronicles 3, this time in awful condition, which made me even happier about my finds.  What the hell good are you, Salvation Army?  Get some better stuff!

I did, however, walk out of there with a boxed, complete copy of Sierra Online's classic adventure game King's Quest V on diskette for $5. 

Needless to say, my opinion of thrift stores has improved.

When it doubt, hit it

We Antoniches are very ingenuitive people. We can jury rig pretty much anything to make it almost as good as new.

When our snow shovel broke last winter I simply took the head, placed it over the pole from our pool skimmer, and bolted it in with a couple of wing nuts - tada!

This morning my iPod decided it wanted to be difficult. It would cease responding to commands - pause, skip, rewind - but the song would continue playing. The time on the device would even freeze, even though the song was still going. Two reboots didn't solve the problem for more than a few minutes.

As a last ditch effort, I resorted to what is known as the Antonich Method - hit it until it works.

And do you know what? It has been working perfectly ever since.

Let it never be said that violence never solved anything. The Antonich Method is a tried and true solution passed down from generation to generation. You are also encouraged to accent each strike with cursing and swearing. It really works!

It's just like when your child is acting up and you have no choice but to spank them. You don't WANT to do it, but sometimes it's necessary.

The point is this: I hit it, it now works. Results.

Memo to Friday

This day can suck it.

Seriously.

Whatever it is, as long as it can be sucked, this day can and should suck it.

You are supposed to be fun and smooth, Friday. You are supposed to get me excited for the weekend, not piss me off.

Suck it, Friday.

Suck it long and suck it hard.

That is all.

Just what I needed

Yesterday started out awful. 

I was so overwhelmed with everything going on that I didn't think I could handle it.  Once again, the Greatest People in the World (aka my friends) picked me up and the day finished alright.

Much to my surprise, on the way home from work last night I got an automated call from Wide Open West that our new rental house is eligible for cable hook-ups and advised me to call their sales department, which I did when I got home.  I spent an hour on the phone setting up the appointment and explaining my situation.  The first person I talked to was incredibly friendly and helpful.  We set up the install for today, but then she transferred me to customer service to discuss the equipment that was burned in the fire.

This did not go as smoothly.

It turns out I owe $2,070 for the equipment lost.  Don't get me wrong, I love Wide Open West.  They have exemplary customer service, excellent technicians, and any time I've ever had an outage, it is not only fixed promptly, they usually send a letter of apology in the mail.  Sure, it's just a form letter, but most companies don't bother to do that.  It's a minor detail, but one that shows WOW care about their customers.

That said, $2,070 is highway robbery.  We had one HD DVR, one regular DVR, one digital cable box, and one advanced modem (which provides high speed internet and VOIP phone service).  I can walk into an Best Buy in the country right now and buy 4 TiVo HDs for less than that.  After getting a little attitude about it, the CSR agreed to send me an itemized list of the equipment costs so I can provide it to my insurance company, who will hopefully cover it.

On the bright side, the first lady who set up my install waived the installation fee (a big deal, considering the house had to be wired and it took the poor installer just over 3 hours), and I am now connected to the world again with glorious high speed internet.  As I type, I'm sitting in front of my beautiful new 23" Samsung LCD monitor with my Altec Lansing speakers blaring The Envy Corps (I cannot stop listening to their sophomore album, Dwell, lately) - just like I used to do.

It's amazing how such a small thing like cable TV and internet access can go such a long way towards making a house feel like a home.  Just the thought that I'll be able to come home after work and watch my favorite shows or mess around on my computer is a huge comfort and I've had a big smile on my face all day.

Good news came for my brother today too in the form of a new cartridge for his CD changer.  His original one was lost in the fire, and because his changer is a factory item (read: not a name brand), you can't just walk into an electronics shop and pick up a new one.  He was going crazy in his car, being forced to listen to the vast wasteland of FM radio, but now that he has his changer back we decided to take a trip to Record Time this afternoon to sift through the used CD bins and start rebuilding our collections.

What a trip it was, let me tell you.

I have said this before, but Record Time is the best independent record store in the Metro Detroit area, bar none.  It's not just the selection, or the prices, because quite frankly, the latter doesn't compare to big box stores like Best Buy (if you're comparing new, sealed CDs).  However, what you get at Record Time is friendly, personal service.

After more than an hour sifting through used and clearance bins, we both had armfuls of goodies.  Mike found several great CDs he'd lost, including a few huge surprises.  While perusing the bins, I noticed a Margot & the Nuclear So and So's poster for their albums Animal! and Not Animal.  The poster had a note written in Sharpie advertising their show at the Crofoot Ballroom in Pontiac last November, which Mike and I attended, so I asked the store manager, Lavelle (who we know just from bring frequent customers), if I could take it and he obliged.  On top of that all, he gave us both 10% off our entire purchases to help us out. 

That is the type of service you will never, ever, in a million years get at a corporate store.  Not that I expect discounts for what happened, but do you think any at Best Buy would give a shit that we lost 30+ years of music?  Don't bet on it.  The folks at Record Time care because they appreciate all the business they get.  They get to KNOW their customers, and they can appreciate how hard it is to lose something like that, being collectors and music lovers themselves.  It was a very kind gesture, and it was very much appreciated.

While we were out, we did some additional running around to pick up a few other items for the house, and grabbed some delicious Big Boy burgers on the way home.  Though it was a day filled with running around, it was exactly what the both of us needed.  A trip to the record store, beautiful weather, and a flawless installation from the WOW technician so we can now enjoy sports and other television shows again.  Today was the first day in nearly three weeks that life has felt somewhat normal again.

Speaking of which, tomorrow is the three week anniversary of the fire and we're going to begin the painful process of inventorying the contents.  The silver lining in the cloud is that my mother went into the house today to see if her strongbox, filled with important documents (like the insurance policy, birth certificates, etc.), survived and she said that most of the contents of the room it was in seem OK.  Some of the vinyl on the floor is a little brown around the edges, and it smells like smoke, but appears to be fine otherwise.  My DVDs may well have survived and, I'm praying to every deity imaginable, my concert t-shirts and old work clothes may be salvageable (after a trip to the dry cleaners, naturally).  I won't get my hopes up too high, but she said they took one of my DVDs home with them and it played just fine. 

All in all, it has been a great day and I hope this is the beginning of a return to normalcy for us.

The Latest from my Neck of the Woods

Alright, I'll get the fire-related news out of the way first.  Things are progressing along.  Hopefully by the end of next week, we will have moved into a more permanent residence.  We had an appointment with a realtor yesterday to look at houses for rent.  There are two possible choices, one of which is literally two streets away from our old house.  That one is my preference, but we need to find out whether the appliances will be furnished or not.  If not, we have another rather nice place to fall back in the same general area.  We're anxious to get out of the glorified hotel we're currently staying in as the soul-crushing boredom is becoming too much to take. 

We'll have to pay for utilities and cable/internet wherever we go, so it will be pretty much just like at our old house, but the insurance company will pick up the rent and add any additional furnishings we request (TVs, DVD players, couches, chairs, tables, etc.).  This is the best news we've had since the fire.  It will be nice to have our own place where I can finally take this nice new PC without having to worry about housekeepers traipsing through. 

Speaking of which, it's killing me not being able to use this thing more.  I just purchased my brand new 23" Samsung LCD monitor (to replace the 21.5" Acer that got burned up in the fire), and it's a thing of beauty.  Running Fallout 3 on the highest settings is incredible, and it's amazing to me how much better it looks than the Xbox 360 version, even in high definition.  My mother has been gracious enough to let us come over and use it at our leisure, however, which we are doing now.

As you might have noticed from the post I made last night, I did see Watchmen at 12:01 with Chris.  Mongolian Barbecue was eaten beforehand, jokes were made (at the expense of other patrons in the theater), and good times were had.  Yesterday afternoon, my brother and I also saw The International starring Clive Owen, which was a decent way to spend an afternoon. 

Friday night I also went out for a short while.  My friend Kristin invited me to her boyfriend's birthday party - an invite the old Matt would have turned down due to the fact that she was literally the only person I knew ahead of time.  The new Matt, on the other hand, went for a few hours and chatted with her boyfriend, his friends, and even demonstrated his horrible pool-playing skills in a few games.  I wish I could've stayed longer than I did, but the appointment the following day coupled with the poor sleep I got the previous one meant that I was too tired for a 45 minute drive back late into the evening/early into the morning.  Still, it has been nice to get out over the past few days.

So those are the latest not-so-exciting updates.  Now I'm off to play Syndicate on my new PC for a while.  Because nothing tests the power of a brand new rig like a 16-year-old game.

(Mis)Fortune

Oh, sweet irony!

Friday's temperature.

The view from my front window this morning.  See that post peeking out from underneath the mountainous snow?

There is a table under there somewhere.

Damn you, fortune cookie!  Damn you to hell! 

Stuck in Perpetual Tuesday

I must be getting senile.

I kid you not, for two consecutive days I have thought it was Tuesday.

Yesterday I attempted to print something at work only to find that the system I needed was down for monthly maintenance.  The message informed me it would be down Wednesday afternoon until Thursday at noon.  Irritated, I exclaimed "But it's only Tuesday..."

Then I paused.

"Wait... Is it Tuesday?"

I checked my Outlook calendar to find that it was, in fact, Wednesday and I promptly felt like an idiot.  Thankfully, either nobody else noticed my idiocy or they didn't say anything and just snickered to themselves.

Oh, but it gets better (or worse, depending on how you look at it).  Today, even after joking about my mistake yesterday with a friend, I found myself thinking the same thing.  Two separate coworkers mentioned that our client would be in the building for a meeting tomorrow.  Our client comes out every Friday, which of course tomorrow is, but I found myself thinking "I wonder why they're coming out on a Wednesday."  Obviously, the implication is that I still thought today was Tuesday.

I R Speshul...

The Idiot Test

Let's play a game, shall we?

It's sort of like those picture games where you have to find out what the differences are between the first photo and the second one.  To make it easier, I've actually circled the major difference for you. 

Below are two photos of the exact same compact disc from Amazon and Amazon UK.  I want you to tell me what's wrong with the second picture.  You ready?

Here we have the Amazon UK photo, which has been slightly edited so you can see the entire list of prices.  As you can see, copies range from 2.95 GBP up to 18.06 GBP.  Since the current conversion rate is roughly, 1 GBP = $1.49 USD, basically just multiply every price by two and you have an estimated cost in American dollars. 

Now let's take a look at Amazon US, shall we?

Notice anything...strange?

That's not the half of it.  Just two days ago, there was a copy up for sale for $186 and change.  It's not there now, which means the seller delisted it or someone actually bought it. 

Assuming it's the latter, congratulations - You are an idiot! 

Who in their right mind would pay nearly $200 for a CD without researching your options first?  Keep in mind this incredulous attitude is coming from the guy who once spent $90 for a single CD (and no it was not dipped in gold or anything).  In this case, however, you can simply go onto Amazon UK and get an acceptable used copy for a fraction of that price.  Anyone with a major credit card can order from the UK.

And so help me God, if anyone says "Or you could go on iTunes and get it for $9.99," I will punch you square in the face.  You have insulted me.  You should be ashamed of yourself.

(This post is brought to you by sarcasm.  Sarcasm: The best to call someone names and then act like you're only joking.)

This is why I shop online

The Christmas Spirit in full effect.

Sad, sad story, but I can't say I'm surprised.  After working retail for eight years, I've seen my share of Black Fridays - four of them at Best Buy.  My very first year there I recall a little old woman getting knocked over and inadvertently kicked in the face over a $20 UMAX scanner. 

This is what Christmas has been reduced to.  And yet people had the nerve to bitch and complain when stores began having their greeters say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" - as if any of the people truly even recognize the meaning of the holiday.  Christmas has just become an excuse for rampant consumerism.  Corporations tell you what the hot items are, and you rush out and buy them.

I've seen fights develop over parking spaces in crowded lots because everybody is too lazy to walk their fat asses from the back of the lot to the doors.  I've heard every complaint you can imagine from people waiting in line, as if they are somehow more important than everyone else in line and should be able to jump to the front because they don't have the time to wait.  I've got news for you, Whiny McImpatience, if you don't have time to wait in line, you'd best find an alternative means of shopping for the holidays.

These are all precisely the reasons I go out as little as possible around the holidays.  I do 99% of my shopping online.  My brother is always easy to shop for since all he asks for are CDs and DVDs, so I make one trip to Amazon.com and in a matter of minutes I'm finished.  This morning I did just that and got more than half his list taken care of.  I'll finish it up this Friday - giving everything plenty of time to arrive for Christmas and with none of the hassle of going out. 

Plus, savvy shoppers should already be aware of the wondrous Amazon Marketplace.  Oftentimes you can find brand new, still sealed CDs for less than half the cost of buying them at a brick and mortar store, allowing you to maximize your shopping dollar. 

Last, but certainly not least, it saves you time - time better spent with your family instead of overcrowded, hot stores filled with angry people where there isn't a hint of holiday cheer to be found. 

If you simply must go out, try to understand that you are not the only human being in the world and show some consideration for others.  There is a family mourning the senseless loss of a loved one tonight because Christmas has come to represent greed more and more.  Take it slow, be prepared to wait, and flash the employees a smile once in a while.  Believe me, they hate being in that store just as much as you do, if not more.  You have to put up with it for an hour; they're there all day.